dance audition

a few weeks ago I auditioned for a dance company. this dance company would have turned me into one of 'the source kids'. For months I thought about this audition and the possibility of not only getting in and being able to grow and work with so many different choreographers and teachers but also to be part of a group and being constantly challenged. for months I battled with the thought of should I stay where I am and be able to save money and teach my students or should I go an have a new experience. Ultimately I auditioned and had a lot of fun during my audition but I unfortunately did not get accepted. it didn't sink in until after my vacation but when it sank in, it hurt pretty bad. I cannot recall feeling this disappointed in a long time, but that's life and that's the way it goes. Instead of me recounting every last detail of the audition itself I will instead copy and past part of a conversation I was having with an old classmate and now friend of mine who I spent the afternoon before my callback with:

Hey Marcus! I don't know how I missed this message until today ... Sorry to hear that you won't be moving to Vancouver :( So, where did your disappointment come from? Not getting into thw company or
not having a reason to move? Both? Or, was it a disappointment with your own performance? I only ask because thwr
.... Ok, I really Hate the return function on my IPad ... Sorry for the disjointed message ...
So, I only ask because the real reason is a good indicator of where you want to be and what you want to be doing. I'm sure you have the talent and the potential to have been accepted ... Perhaps it was your reluctance (fear or uncertainty?) that manifested in your second performance ... Use this as a reference point for figuring out where you are at right now and what the best transition - if any - would be. My feeling is that you will "outgrow" your current circumstances sooner than you might imagine ... But, there are always safety nets that keep us comfortable and make the choice to change or leave really difficult. But, deep inside you already know this :) I hope you visit again when you're next in Vancouver

hi M,
when I reflect on it I am disappointed for both reasons you have outlined. I am disappointed that I did not get in because I really wanted to be able to be pushed on a daily basis, to be a part of a group/team, to grow dynamically and meet people and be interacting with people on a regular basis that are as passionate about the same things I am passionate about. I am however, also disappointed to not have a reason to move. I don't feel as though I need to move but I do know that I am ready to start a new chapter in my life, what that chapter is I'm not yet sure but the thoughts that come to mind immediately are dancing, working, and relationships. my life is 'comfortable' but I think perhaps I need a shake up of some sort.
As far as my second night performance goes, it could very well have been my fear or apprehension getting the best of me. I was hesitant at the idea of moving, however when I reflected on it and truly listened to my inner clarity I knew I wanted in and I knew that if I got accepted that I would have gone. I said openly to people who asked/were willing to listen that it would be easier if I auditioned and did not get accepted. This way, the difficult decision would be made for me. I wonder if me verbalizing this statement on more than one occasion affected my universal energy and what was bound to happen to me.
n terms of "outgrowing" my situation, I agree with you. perhaps it is again something I know deep internally within myself or maybe because I just watched 'the soloist' and it has me reflecting on my life, it's meaning, and the personal connections I have formed but I feel as though I will outgrow my current situations as well. how that will present itself in the future I have yet to determine.

my note goes on to speak of other things but there is a brief snapshot of a disappointment and one conversation that ensued.